Grounds for a Whoopin’ in San Francisco (2014 Edition)
It comes as no surprise that certain articles of clothing and accessories will guarantee a whoopin’ in modern day San Francisco. For those fresh off the boat, below serves as a guide for what might be expected once setting foot on the holier-than-thou lands of don’t-call-it-Frisco.
North Face apparel - Graffitied upon while being worn
Crocks - Tenderloin battery acid will be poured directly on your well ventilated footsies
Rubberized “toe shoes” - Peeled off and thrown to the sharks underneath the Golden Gate Bridge
Ugg boots - Set ablaze faster than a discarded Christmas tree on Valencia Street
American Apparel hoodies - Hood strings drawn taut with nautical knots unheard of since 1835
Fedora of any shape or size - Thrown into the Muni catenary wires in a blaze of redemptive glory
Trucker hat - Surprisingly, depending on the make and model, you still might be able to get away with this
Had a stash and it was young. Crosby never showed so it was still for the taking.
Boogalooed back to Berkeley in the dead of night.
Woke up down but shook it off.
Pushing packages down the coast.
Make my way down to Meh-he-coe and eat a taco.
Ain’t Nothing Like Frisco by Danny Locktone
Been all over, east, west, north, and south
Texas has them sweet ribs but I ain’t really into no Mr. Pibbs
Chi-town’s got those friendly dames, but something about those uppity names
Beantown makes a good chowder, but too many crackers in the bowl
And then there’s Philly, but you gotta pony up to ride
Rain City’s got that needle, but I ain’t sowing no wet oats
Little Rock knows how to roll, but river life don’t float my boat
Mississipi’s got that silt, but leaving didn’t cause no guilt
Frisco’s all right, just about every sight
Wouldn’t mind being the count of Monte Frisco Bay if they let me one day
The Cass McCombs of calligraphy.
Who is cooler than Dave Navarro? Um, no one.
Dave like invented so much if you think about it. Pretty much everything on the radio today is sort of from Dave if you go back.
Every time I’m at a book signing, Dave remembers me. It’s really awesome. “Hey little guy, still spinnin’ your wheels?”
We high five and sometimes he gives me a noogie or shoulder rub. Dave will reach in my pouch and write a little note on his latest book. “Keep the Faith………. -Dave”
Talking about gentrification is like talking about the weather.
I Remember Valencha
KFC used to own this stretch and they knew it. For blocks and blocks you could smell it, sometimes all the way up to the other KFC on 14th or the Taco Bell near Saint Luke’s.
The 26 would get you all over, that is if it ever showed up. Plenty of seats and hardly any riff-raff.
The Gardens on 15th were a jungle and you stayed away if you could because you knew better.
Cable Car Pizza had a coupon in the Weekly for a $2 everything slice. Coupon never expired and the slice was a decent lunch.
La Rondalla was the spot for heat and packing it in but who knows if it’ll ever reopen again.